Keeping Up With The Joneses

It was a sunny afternoon on the beautiful island of St Kitts and we asked our taxi driver about his life in paradise.

‘It’s not bad,’ he said. ‘Great beaches, friendly people, good food and weather. But we’re not keeping up with the Joneses.’ While his life was objectively good, he was acutely aware that his Toyota was no Ferrari, and that his apartment was no villa.

As we turned a corner near the top of the hill, the landscape revealed itself with a magnificent view of the Caribbean Sea on one side and the Atlantic Sea on the other. Our driver pointed to a few houses at the summit and said with a smile, ‘And the owners of those mansions are the BIIIIG Joneses.’

The idea of keeping up with the neighbours, or the ‘Joneses’, runs deep within our society. It’s the trap of matching the lifestyle and possessions of others within our social circle. And it’s not just the taxi driver who feels this way.

It’s the feeling that you’re not keeping up with others around you. Perhaps you’ve felt it when you see a friend’s promotion on LinkedIn – a part of you thinks, ‘Damn, that person is ahead of me; I need to catch up.’ It’s the same concept with material goods – your colleague gets a nice car, and you feel you can’t afford to keep up.

The common element here is that we feel a need to keep up with what someone else has - not because we want it, but to keep up appearances. And if we’re not at their level, we feel unhappy. Added to the mix is social media, which makes the situation worse – you only see the best parts of other people's lives. This is a sad state of affairs!

THE JONESES

There are many reasons why we want what others want.

Some of these are evolutionary – the desire for social status, and the dopamine hit of short-term satisfaction that comes from a new purchase.

Other reasons are driven by the society in which we live – the material culture, and surface-level thinking in the information age, with fewer people spending time to work out what gives them true meaning. The result is that we end up wasting money, time and energy on pointless endeavours.

In reality, not all ‘Joneses’ are the happiest people. In many cases, they spend money they don’t have to buy things which will distract them from problems in their life.

Poor mental health? Don’t worry – buy a new car. Have no savings? No worries, ‘live for the moment’ and have a Michelin-star meal paid for on credit. Relationship problems? ‘Solved’ with a 5-star holiday to Thailand.

What you see – a wealthy family, well-dressed, several holidays a year, two flashy cars, expensive meals out and wanting for nothing.

What you don’t see – poor mental and physical health, up to their eyeballs in debt, no savings, a brain driven by instant gratification, and deep dissatisfaction.

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That’s not to say that all wealthy people are dissatisfied. Clearly that’s not true! The message is just that what you see is often very different from what happens behind closed doors. Be aware of that next time you judge yourself for being ‘inferior’ to the Joneses. They may actually be less wealthy than you; just more willing to flaunt what they have.

OVERCOME THE URGE TO BE A ‘JONES’

The psychologist Steve Peters is a master in making complex ideas simple. In his book ‘The Chimp Paradox’, he makes a distinction between the rational part of the brain which makes long-term decisions and the ‘Chimp’ part which makes emotion-led, short-term decisions.

This is a good framework through which to think about keeping up with the Joneses. If you took a step back and thought about it, the act of your friend / neighbour / colleague doing well should have no impact on you. It won’t affect your life or day-to-day experiences. And there are millions of other people around the world who are wealthier than you!

But because we know these people, we compare ourselves to them. This is the Chimp brain talking. It’s damaging to our long-term interests and makes us unhappy. Being aware of the Chimp brain, your rational brain can kick in and make the following observations:

• The Joneses might not be as rich as they seem. Their lifestyles are often backed by debt and financial stress.

• Many other people around the world are wealthier than you (and wealthier than the Joneses!). There are also many more who are poorer. Comparing wealth is a game you’ll never win – there will always be someone else richer than you around the corner. Don’t get into a cycle if inadequacy and low self-esteem.

• Your life satisfaction will be driven by doing what YOU want to do, not by how you measure up to your perception of other people’s wealth

• When you’re on your deathbed, you won’t care about whether you were as wealthy as your neighbour – you’ll care about whether you had a happy life

• Define what constitutes financial success for you and play your own game to achieve that. You’re more likely to win and more likely to be happy when you do. Want what you want, not what others want.

Recognising the Chimp brain and prioritising the rational brain will give you peace of mind. You’ll realise that it’s more fruitful and less stressful to chart your own course, rather than to worry about others.

So to go back to our tax driver in St Kitts… If he forgets the Joneses, he has, in his own words, great beaches, friendly people, good food and weather. He has a lovely wife and three children. And he’s financially comfortable, driving his taxi to top up his pension. Sounds like a good life to me.

You’re better off keeping up with your own dreams. Don’t bother keeping up with the Joneses – it will drive you mad, poor or both. It certainly won’t make you wealthy.