Why We Want What Others Want

It’s one of life’s simplest yet most difficult questions – ‘what do you want?’.

In a constrained scenario, it’s easy. The prisoner wants freedom. The blind person wants sight.

But life is typically more nuanced. With so many possibilities in the modern world, it’s tough to focus on a small number, and to decide how best to approach them.

There are several biases around the ‘what do you want?’ question. By being more aware of these influences, and changing the mindset around our own desires, we can make better decisions – financially, and for life.

How We Decide What We Want

Think how we start to learn as children. From the day we’re born, we begin to imitate the actions of those around us. Initially it’s our parents and family, then other children in nursery and at school.

As we become adults, the imitation continues. But the idea of success becomes less clear. Whereas a child’s success is running as fast as an adult, winning a sports match, or drawing more neatly, an adult’s success is more abstract.

However, one thing is clear to us: forging a unique path feels dangerous. A new path is inherently risky. Human beings are social animals – on some level or another, we care about being part of the social unit, and through risk-taking we could fail and be ridiculed, or cast out of our social group entirely. If a child takes risks and fails, they are encouraged to try again. But if an adult fails, the normal social response is to look down on them – sometimes even to take pleasure that the different path ended in failure.

With this deep animalistic instinct in mind, we stick with copying others. In the short run, this appears to be the lower-risk strategy. But in the long run, it guarantees the biggest risk of all – that one day we wake up and realise that we never lived our lives the way we wanted to.

Power

It’s not just judgment and fear of failure which impact decision-making. It’s also the concept of power.

Two types of power are relevant here: extrinsic and intrinsic.

Extrinsic power involves the relationship between ourselves and others. What we see in others and lack in ourselves gives others power over us. For example, if we lack self-confidence and see that trait in someone else, we feel they have power over us. Similarly, by having things which others want, we feel power over them.

This power dynamic may not be healthy, but it certainly exists. Since cavemen and tribal society, hierarchy has dominated. We are trained to respect superiors, and to try to imitate them. The extrinsic power relationship determines what we want – that which gives us more power.

But this doesn’t provide long-term happiness. To be happier, we need to align what we want with our inner selves. This is intrinsic desire – what you would want to do or have, even if no-one else was watching.

Inner vs Outer Scorecard

The great investor Warren Buffett popularised the idea of an inner and outer scorecard. This highlights whether we want something because it rings true with our inner selves, or because we know that others want it.

Buffett’s example:

‘Would you rather be the world’s greatest lover, but have everyone think you’re the world’s worst lover? Or would you rather be the world’s worst lover but have everyone think you’re the world’s greatest?’

In other words, it’s not about what other people think, it’s what you know to be true which counts.

As social animals working for acceptance, there is a deep genetic desire to follow the outer scorecard. But the satisfaction from the outer scorecard is shallow and temporary. It’s only the inner scorecard which really counts. Other people come and go, but you have to live with yourself every day.

This is all well and good, but most of us don’t think this way. Instead, we become pulled off-course by the outer scorecard because:

i) It’s easier to define; and

ii) Everyone else repeats this as the measure of success.

Consider it in the context of Captain Cook, the legendary explorer. He needed his crew to eat Vitamin C to protect them from scurvy – a major killer on long voyages in the 18th century. Learning from German sailors, Cook provided sauerkraut to his men, but they refused it.

To have his way, Cook placed sauerkraut on the officers’ table, and encouraged sailors to help themselves. Of course, they did - but for the wrong reasons. The power dynamic and outer scorecard were powerful motivators – even if the sailors should have eaten the sauerkraut for their inner scorecard.

Beware of the outer scorecard – it’s powerful, and often works against our best interests.

What Do We Actually Want?

Look around you at the worst parts of capitalism: excess and advertising.

We’re constantly bombarded with the outer scorecard, and that repetition makes us want what others want.

How much do you think that person earns? Look at their house – how much is it worth? I want to be ‘successful’ enough to afford that fast car which my neighbour has. If I don’t have the new iPhone, my colleagues will see me as cheap. I want to eat at the exclusive restaurant so I can tell my friends all about it.

The list goes on.

And these social constructs are fuelled by social media, which encourages imitation yet further. Viral content is shared more regularly. You are encouraged to see and like what others see.

Society is set up to make us want what other people want, and to think the way other people think. But that influence is often in direct conflict with our inner scorecard, leading to poor financial and life decisions, which we later regret.

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The outer scorecard is so ingrained in our minds that it’s hard to ignore.

How can we start to make decisions which are better aligned with our inner scorecard?

Sit and think – does this action or purchase add value to my life, and is there anything else I could do or buy which would add more value? Life is all about trade-offs – it’s not whether you want one thing or another, it’s about which you want more.

Looking at it rationally, do you want something because of the outer scorecard, or the inner one? If you can make more decisions by the inner scorecard, your life will be more fulfilling. You’ll have more of what you want, not what society says you should want.

In The Context of Money

William Shakespeare once remarked: ‘God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.’ Why can’t we just be the best version of ourselves? After all, as Naval Ravikant suggested, you can escape all competition by authenticity – no-one can be a better version of you than you.

Why do we want what others want? Because of power, because of the outer scorecard, because of insecurities. Because society is constructed in this way, and because advertising and social norms are directed there. Because it requires us to sit down and evaluate options, rather than copying others. This is a more difficult path.

Nonetheless, the quest to understand what you truly want is worth it. It leads to a happier, more fulfilled life and, in the context of money, to better financial decisions. It leads not only to spending less, but also to spending your money more efficiently, on the things which make a difference to you, not to the eyes of other people.

We are our own best judges of how to spend, but only when it’s our inner scorecard talking, not the outer one.

So next time you want something, or spend something, or spend time on something, think deeply about the motivation. Is it something you want, or something you have been conditioned to want?

Ask yourself that question, and you’ll never look back with regret at how you spent your time or money.

Some people get to a very late stage in their life before they realise for the first time all the ways in which society has influenced them, from habits and behaviours, to lifestyle and career choices.

Don’t be like those people. Be like you.